A Confession to Start the Year Off Right

Category: Small Stones

Roll out the red carpet for the V word because vulnerability is where your true strength and glory resides.
– Kris Carr - The Myth of Finding Your Purpose

“I’m plenty vulnerable in every day life, I don’t really think I need to be vulnerable online too” is ‘zackly what I thought when I read Crazy-Sexy wellness guru Kris Carr’s blog post. Except. Well, that was my first reaction and it was a few days ago and the more I think about it, the more I believe I do. I do need it. Not writing freely here in my own online living room, and by that I mean being open about who I am and my situation in life, is getting in my way, blocking my growth as a writer, stopping me from going out on important limbs.

I am standing on my own tail.

I started blogging in 2002 at in-visible.de. This week I rescued a lot of those posts and brought them into the archives here. While I was copying and pasting I had plenty of time to look back at that young and hopeful me, the one who thought this daily diary-log thingy could turn out to be a way to share with my family and friends, to keep in touch from far away, maybe even to recapture in some small way the feeling of community we have when we are all together in the same place.

Oh, but there was a dragon in my calculations. Turns out I was the only enthusiastic internet user I knew.

Since then, I have made many-several attempts to join the online conversation each of which have kind-of dümpelt along, limping first on one leg, then on the other before drawing up and coming to a complete stop. Then, like an old dog who just remembered where she was going, I’d pick up a thought and off we go again–for awhile.

Like everything I have ever tried multiple times, blogging just got harder for me, more complicated as time went by. My writing lost its fresh voice, it’s enthusiasm. I forgot how to “speak” to people I know and I never did know how to speak to strangers. Pretty soon, privacy became an issue as it wasn’t “just us chickens” hanging around the internet anymore. The less I said, the safer I felt.

Safer, yes, also lonelier, further removed and not disconnected, I was unconnected.

The next thing I knew, in order to be a blogger I needed a “brand” and a “platform”. An area of expertise was required and I must post on schedule. And join Facebook. That was the last time I tried, and when, predictably, I walked away again, I was shaking my head at how it all seemed so hard-edged, so repetitive, so done. What could I bring to the conversation that I had, like a voyeur observed in relative silence. Seemed like everything worth saying had already been said and safely indexed by Jeeves and his buddies, Uncle Google and the Yahoo. Move along, Maus. Nothin’ left to do here…

So, there it was: I lived through the revolution but it hadn’t lived through me. That made me sad.

Then the blessed and beautiful Crazy Sexy Kris Carr reminded me that Vulnerability is the root of the Good Things. It’s where we can connect, where we find our best friends. It is the impetus for my most honest voice, my enthusiasm, my courage, my love. And so, here I am again, nothing if not stubborn. I know there is a pony in here somewhere.

I have no idea what will come of crawling out on this particular limb again, but it must be done.